This year I did something totally different. I grew up and now I look at life with a child like heart. Let me explain. I realized for 24 years I have been in mourning around the Christmas Holidays. I was in a fog, confused, crying and just sad about my children that passed. This year I said I will experience Christmas with Joy. So instead of taking my daughter’s birthday off to go and put a plant on her grave, I waited to do it on Saturday. So, I went to work and I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. There was so much laughter at work that day, and bonuses from my boss and gifts from Sub-contractors and that started my “Joy” full day.I would usually go to karaoke on Friday, but a D.J. friend of mine that I have known for years said he was throwing a party that night. Guess what I did? I went and had a wonderful time seeing friends I had not seen in almost 12 years, hugging, laughing, visiting and getting caught up, I realized I danced all night with multiple dance partners and friends. A “Joy” full evening. I did it!! I proved to myself that all it took was a different mindset and a child like heart and every day since then I have been feeling wonderful and looking at things with a child’s perspective and view. Do you remember being young and you could not go to sleep Christmas Eve thinking about Christmas and the gifts and what you were getting? Hoping to get certain gifts you asked for. Remember the anticipation of that day getting here, that you stayed up almost all night and you feel asleep with exhaustion and you woke up refreshed, but tired, but excited and ready to race downstairs and open those toys. That is exactly how I now feel each and everyday since I decided to take that step. My whole life has changed for the better! Life has been great and most of all I got my “Joy” back……………….
Children and Young adults have seemed to become the center of my life. I mean, I raised my two and my sister’s five children and took kids in off the streets and raised them as my own and my children’s friends that were left on the streets, I took in. Not to toot my own horn, but the overwhelming desire to raise a child and to give them what my children had, clothes, a bed, warmth, food, love and a roof over their heads. Yes there were a lot of sleep overs and sharing of rooms. They became like brothers and sisters. I truly believe now that since I lost 2 children that my purpose was to help to raise others. I took them to church and gave them a positive foundation to stand and they all go to church still and some have their own children and they call me Grandma for the ones I took in off the streets and Auntie for the relative’s. l love them all and it helped to make my life more fulfilling and gave me motivation to carry on. It could not fill the void of the loss I suffered, but it did make me feel better knowing that someone’s baby would not die or be on the streets. Children and Young Adults need our love, nurturing, help, direction and discipline to make them into the Children and Young adults they were blessed to be. It helped these Children and Young Adults to fulfill their purpose, because someone did not give up on them….
The Holidays is usually a time of year where everyone is so happy, loving and filled with cheer. Or so many would believe, or maybe not. I am in the category of the percentage that does not enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not because of he bah humbug thing. But it is a constant reminder of the not so good times in my life. Yes I could just get over it, but it is too hard to just get over. For example every year before Thanksgiving I listen to Christmas music and feel so overjoyed with the Christmas holidays coming up. Well putting up the tree after Thanksgiving, listening to music, just thrills me, but when December comes, it is so hard to bare. It starts with my Son’s birthday on December 1st and then my daughter’s birthday on December 11th. On the 11th we go to the place she was buried to put a plant on her grave. She passed on December 26th the day after Christmas and it is so hard for me to be joyous with my daughter Angel, because I miss my other daughter and not to mention the other child I lost. I cry all month long at work, at home, church and yet no one notices, so l think.
When I was younger I enjoyed Christmas day, coming down and being surprised and now not so much anymore because as soon as I feel good about it, I regret it being over. I know what the next day is. I am not trying to put a damper on your Christmas Holiday season. I pray your day is full of love, much happiness and joy. I am thankful for my Son and my daughter I just can’t fill the void. So my Christmas will be just “The Holidays”….
I have lived the hardest life I ever wanted to live. I have had many hardships and I have learned very valuable lessons along the way. I am just starting to live life, and I am craving the excitement. I have been on some very strange paths, but this one feels so right. Starting over is never easy. You are lost and then you kind of go through a mourning process, and then you come out to the light, so brilliant, beautiful and bright.
Out of all that darkness into light. I am so blessed to see the light. No more confusion and feeling stuck. Momentum is picking up and I am diving in feet first. It feels so good to smile and mean it. Also to laugh is great. I mean a deep heart felt laugh that keeps you smiling for days. I have started to live and I am loving my new start and my new life. It seems it is exactly the way it should be right now and I have been taking every opportunity to get out after work and on the weekends. I feel like a bird flying and soaring above the trees. Walking in nature every chance I get during work on the walking and bike paths near the river is great. Life is worth living………..
True, life is full of ups and downs. It feels like a rollercoaster ride with the loop de loops. It does not feel happy and joyous all the time. Maybe it is because there is so much energy on this earth. From all of the people. Don’t get me wrong. I love all people.
I just am not at a stage in my late life to endure the rollercoasters. Seriously. I have gotten too old for this. With age there comes wisdom. You out grow all the immature stuff. But to tell a adult, look here I am grown and mean it, takes some pretty good assertiveness. I don’t like being treated as a child. Although I have no problems skipping around with my daughter of 20 years old and my son of 31 years old. You are as young as you want to be and feel. Do you know I can still do cart wheels. I am over half the century old? I have people tell me I look 29 although I know they are only being nice. I believe that I still have my youth and that I can be as young as I want to be and feel, for as long as I want to be. I met a woman after church on Sunday, who was 83 years old, but looked 50. Seriously. She said she has been blessed with good health all her life. Now I have not been blessed with good health, but I believe that what you feel in your heart and in your mind, you can make a reality by manifesting it. Holding on to it and affirming it. Life is not like a box of chocolates……… It is better than that!
I have been going through some real heart wrenching emotional stuff. Have you ever just felt so real, so authentic and true to yourself that, you know what is going on and you are not going to feel like you have to hide from the world, just because you
are going through some stuff in life. I don’t want to always smile, because I do, all the time. I want to be real, yet still I smile.
l also, don’t want to speak to those at work who choose which day of the week they want to speak to me and carry on a conversation with me, yet I say good morning to them and everyone else that is nice to me. I just want to be authentic and say if you don’t want to speak, then don’t. I am not upset about it. Just be real and authentic to me, not fake. They do it to so many people in the office and we don’t care anymore. I thought oh, I will think more higher of them, they may just be having a bad day, or something happened at home. Nah! No excuse is needed. This is just them! I would rather be like them at times and not speak to them as if they did not exist. But, why do I always feel guilty and take the higher road and do what is right. I don’t know I am just aligned like this. I have realized that is my real, authentic and true self……….
Have you ever faced a situation that you knew was not right for you, but you decided to stick it out. It may get better you tell yourself. And it to no avail it just keeps getting worst. Sometime in life you come to a cross road where you have to make a decision that will be best for you, no matter how hard it may be. I have given the benefit of the doubt for 12 years and it is time to STOP! Just stop!. It does not matter how good you are, some people always try to find something bad in you to start an disagreement to try to make you look bad. Sometimes you can’t always be nice. Because how does the old saying go….People will always take advantage of your kindness. I learned something also this time around. I can take with me the fact that I learned a lesson and I gave my all and the time has come to let things in my life that don’t suit my purpose or rather that are not working to just let them go. We all know that not making a decision just hinders you and hurts you. You prolong the agony that is going to come. Last night I let it all go. I dreamt all night of being on a different life’s path, and how happy, fun, peaceful and fulfilling life I will have now. I did not wake up sad, but relieved and ready to go forward with my life. I got my eye on the prize and I am going to have the best life, no excuses now. Anyone that does not fit into my purpose will have to be left where they are.I have been in limbo for about 3 years now. I know now when I have a decision to make, to make it quick. Decisions….decisions…decisions… My decision has been made. Many blessings to Me and to you that gets this….